i fucking lost my wallet!!
to the person who took it: may you step into a puddle of shit...get splashed from head to toe by muddy water when you are wearing a white shirt....trip over kite string...find cockroaches in your meal and may you never find true love!!!! muahahahaha...

okay i am pissed off and depressed...like duh!!!
heres a list of things that i have lost during the past week:-
1) keys
2) net net pouch (lost it together with my keys)
3) my new wallet
4) earrings
5) MY MIND
i'm going crazy. someone...helP~!

my brain has been lying dormant and unused for too long. so much so that now that i have taken it out from cold storage, i have found it rusty and desperately in need of a good tweaking and oiling before being put to use. problem being that the hands of time are steadily ticking away and i dont see myself being presented with a gift or a miracle so i guess that just means that i am so fucked...

been struggling for the last hour to do math. this is so not working out for me...a much awaited interlude...now it back to that long oval table against the white tiled wall...my hair is in disarray...perhaps its time they meet with a pair of scissors....perhaps.

Look to the past
And remember her smile
And maybe tonight
I can breathe for awhile
I'm not in the seat
I think I'm fallin' asleep
But then all that it means is
I'll always be dreaming of you

the sun has gone down and the moon has risen to take its place, hanging way up there in the sky...morning came...evening came...night...another day has passed once again in my life...

sunshine. shouts...screams...laughter..floorball. sprinting up and down the worn out hockey pitch...the sun beating mercilessly down on each and everyone of us...beads of pespiration on our brows....no one seemed to mind...no one seemed to notice...too engrossed in the match of the century. final score: 8-7. girls win! too bad guys...sometimes in the male dominated field of sports...its a much welcomed refreshing change..

welcome the sun back into our lives...its indeed a welcoming change from the rain...remenising about the past...i'm happy things worked out fine...parted with smiles on our faces...you will always be special to me.

moonlight...sitting on that raised granite platform looking down at the roaring cars on the road...everyone seems to be rushing somewhere...doing something...you were there next to me yet so far away...i missed you then..miss your smile...your laughter that never fails to lighten my heart and bring a smile to my lips...but then...the night brought a pleasant surprise and a beautiful gift...slept with a smile on my face till morning..

que siempre te amarè

"think happy thoughts and they'll lift you up in the air" right now..i feel like i'm flying...happiness...a feeling that seems to have eluded me for a long time...my dear friend, welcome home. hopefully this time...you're here to stay.

run my fingers over the cloth badge..fiddling with the ages like how i onced used to while standing at attention on the field beneath the glaze of the sun in the early morning...the soft blue cotton so familiar to touch...long for the times when i used to dorn it...every morning for the last ten years..seems like it was just yesterday...
it felt wonderful to be home...the welcoming faces of everyone i so dearly missed....mrs tian. mrs tan, ms jeya, pan lao shi, mr wong all of you were such absolute darlings...miss you all so much! the pink cabinets, grey tiled floor...the high ceiling of the canteen and its two vertical rows of tables sparsely filled with students in the evening light....everything just the way i remembered it....perfect...just lying there staring up at the whitewashed ceiling...blaring music from the faulty tape recorder...i knew i was at the right place.

certain memories i will never forget.a single purple rose that brought countless smiles. still the one.

stared out of the window at the blur of images seemed to fly pass me...trees, flats, factories the vast blue sky...nothing more than a myrid of colours...soon i ceased to even notice that the view was changing...nothing seemed to be able to drag me out of the mood that i had sunk into. silence sometimes is comforting...just watch, listen and think...think...and think somemore...about what a failure i have been...how little i have achieved...how i seem to be heading nowhere....how much i seem to have deviated from my original path...but then again...was there actually an original route set out for you? of is it for us to discover how we want it to be....to create our future for ourselves?

see you there at the bottom of the pit...curled up in a corner..your tear stained face...whimpering, shivering...from the cold...from the fear...let a rope down...gently, slowly...it drops next to you...but you dont notice it...dont even turn to look and its just lying there limp next to you in the dirt...a crowd has gathered...we're shouting out to you...i've called..yell...cried and coaxed till my voice is hoarse, my throat's dry...but yet you're still there staring into the darkness oblivious to our cries...dont you see? unless you reach out and hold on to the rope we can never get you out...i cant help you unless you help yourself first

i dont need us to see
the love you bring to me
no matter where i go
and i know that you'll be there
forevermore a part of me you're everywhere
i'll always care

...

and i'll be right behind your shoulder watching you
i'll be standing by your side in all you do
i wont ever leave just as long as you just believe
just believe..

--jordan hill

*cant you see how much i love you?*
Fun-o-rama. an eventful day. everyone and anyone seemed to have got it into their thick skull heads that it was the place to be...like a mug of beer...it was filled to the brim and spilling over the ledge. bodies upon bodies packed tightly together. smell. the pungent odour of pespiration, bad breath, face paint, burnt chicken wings and charcoal. the fragrant aroma of sausages, spagetti, chocolate, perfume, gel and newly washed hair. see. brightly coloured banners screaming for attention, balloons, flowers, pretty girls (a sad pathetic few) handsome boys (just as regretful), fashion disasters to catwalk models...a wide spectrum of different sights to behold. then there were the familiar faces, the friends so dearly missed, the darling companion..and of cos there was you...listen. laughter above the barring speakers and the shrill screams of "come...try our...."; "over here...its really tasty"...taste. sweet numbing cold of shaven flavoured ice..salt from the seasoning of the sausage the stung my lips. speak. conversation barely audible above the cacophony...exclaimations of happiness and squeals of joy...touch. a smile..wave..a nod of acknowledgement...a tap on the shoulder, a nudge on the arm...hugs...the wind in my face...your arms around me...

see the world through tatined glasses...i'm just a child trapped in the body of a young woman. a plank of wood in my eye. cant see beyond myself...cant reach out of my shell...have made myself the center of my insignificance existence. i am just a spoilt selfish baby you are right, you were all right from the start...i am just so totally screwed up...dont blame all of you for looking at me the way you do...it was just me from the start. me and my screwed up attitude and outlook on life...just a fucked up bitch. its time to grow up girl...take notice of yourself and the people around you. wake up from your castle up in the cloulds and step back into reality...look at yourself through the eyes of another. see the world for what it really is...see yourself for who you really are.

Stacie Orrico
I Promise

Will I always be there for you?
When you need someone, Will I be that one you need?
Will I do all my best to, to protect you?
When the tears get near your eyes
Will I be the one that's by your side?
Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your life?
I promise, I promise
I promise I will

Will I take tender tender care of you?
Take your darkest night and make it bright for you
Will I be there to make you strong and to lean on?
When this world has turned so cold
Will I be the one that's there to hold?

Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your life?
I promise, I promise
I promise I will

Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your life?
I promise, I promise
I promise I will

Yeah
And I love you more every day
And nothing will take that love away
When you need someone
I promise I'll be there for you (there for you)
I promise

tired...feels like i've been swimming for hours. an insignifiacnt speck in the large ocean...cold..hungry..tired and alone...struggle against the current...the waves seem like huge walls ahead of me...my arms are failing me...feel myself sinking deeper and deeper...being swallowed up by the ferocious appetite of the sea..till i hit the bottom...lie down on the soft sand..give myself up to the water babies...

all i longed for, was... you
love my baby

whore.
will never be washed clean

valentines day...perfect
feel like the luckiest girl in the world...love my baby
you were never far from my mind..i miss you

do i really mean nothing to you anymore?
the end of friendship week yesterday in school...the entire place was decked out with balloons floating all over the place...pink..red..pink..red..more pink and more red..cookies...chocolate..cakes..hugs and kisses galore...smiles across all their faces...squeals of laughter...glad everyone was happy...everyone...

woke up this morning to find breakfast waiting for me...together with honey..at the lift landing...you're such an angel...totally spoil me...love you to bits.

shielded my eyes against the blinding sun and squinted up at the building infront of me...thinking back...i dont remember much about how it looked like. but then again...do appearances matter? there was a distinct smell to the place..but once more...i cant seem to place it..yet...thats insignificant... a cold breeze greeted us as the door swung open...once again we stepped out of the warm corridor into another of the classrooms...i was nugdged towards to front only to find myself greeted by a group of young children in the seated in itsy bitsy chairs..at tables that barely reached my knees...the air con was blowing directly at me..i felt cold...then she caught my eye...she sat there transfixed gazing up at us..at me...looked back...unsure...a little shy...then i smiled and wave...she hesistated for a second that let out a wide smile and vigrously shoke her hand back and forth..i chuckled and she laughed...her eyes becoming like tiny slits...all too soon it was time to leave...threw one last look back over my shoulder...blew her a kiss...instantaneouly, she responded my doing the same...suddenly, it didnt feel so cold anymore....

a moments silence for someone so rudely snatched away from those who loved him...from those he loved...
white. lots and lots of white...the canverse sheet flapping in the night wind...the walls of the house...the carnations and ribbons around the wreath...the smooth plastic sheets tied around the tables. and then there was black. the gravel road beneath my feet, the one that i couldnt take my eyes off...the huge black banner with its silver words...and the coloured almost everyone was decked out in. a sign of respect...of mourning...can still hear everyone's unsteady voices singing in chorus..still see their tear-stained, red and swollen eyes...

life is such a fragile thing...you never know what to expect..whats it gonna throw at you next...treasure the people and things around you...alwalys let them know how much you care for them...always....never let them down.

todays been an absolutely pathetic day....from just feeling downright stupid and moody to getting drenched in the rain...it was horrible...but thanks to two people special in their own right who helped somehow make it much more bearable...
just feeling really lousy and stupid...cant seem to do anything or get anything right. the numbers and words just seem to stare blankly back at me. they just dont seem to make sense...just dancing all over the page laughing at my stupidity. i hate that feeling of uselessness...of being so impotent and unproductive. i really do wanna do well...but just cant seem to understand anything...climb over the wall just to fall back into a bit. its ridiculous and a waste of time. my stupidity is getting to me...no i am definitely not as smart as you think i am larh...


'big' news
[an exerpt from a conversation that happened today]
vanessa: (jumping up and down) tell me..tell me tell me...
ben: okay...i'll tell you a number.. (leans over..way over and whispers in her ear) 18 or 19...
vanessa: WHAT? you're kidding i dont believe it!!! you're so lying lorh

*nope i'm not gonna tell you what that was about...*

i'm gonna bitch...i'm gonna so fucking bitch.
she really should wake up and take a good look around and stop and think about what she's saying! god she's totally driving me crazy...i'm pissed beyond words....
yes go ahead and bitch about me cos i don't give a fucking damn...why? cos i havent done anything wrong! there is nothing going on between the both of us just give it up already okay? stop trying to shift the blame onto me when things dont work simply because i'm the most convenient person to arrow. if you havent already realised, i dont take shit from you anymore. i have nothing left to hide so just quit accusing us...if you want him..just take him and get the hell out of my life. the further the better...cos i dont give a fucking damn!!! leave me alone. enough is enough already. get over the past okay? move on! stop holding everyone back just because of you...grow up larh. stop being a kid.
yes i'm angry. i'm fuming mad.
and to someone else, if it is really true, i'm utterly disappointed with you. you of all people should know better...utter betrayal...slapping us in the face...why did you have to breech the trust we have in you? you could have helped..but instead, you just unleashed another vicious cycle...i know you're pissed with him and the way he's living his life...but honestly...i cant believe you did it. you know the truth...speak up for it...you know what she's like.
i'm hoping i'm wrong.....i'm really really hoping you didnt.

its been such a roller coaster ride. glad everythings over and i'm at the top of the ferris wheel looking down at the world around us. the carriage jerks to a stop and i just smile, holding your hand in mine. i wish time would stall...that we would never have to go back down. lost in a world that is ours...

"sometimes late at night...i lie awake and watch her sleeping..she's lost in peaceful dreams so i turn off the lights lay down in the dark...and a thought crosses my mind..if i never wake in the morning..will she ever doubt the way i feel about her in my heart..."
was in the shower when somehow the words of the song came to mind. couldn't help but wonder...
never doubt that i love you