i'd really much rather talk to you when you're half asleep..
i would like to say i'm sorry. offer my most sincere apologies.

i just found myself an angel...thank you candice you are such a life saver. i owe you...

edith paid me a surprise visit today. how sweet! was pleasanlty surprised to see her standing at the door when i opened it with my wet hair plastered to my face and a towel around my neck. packed my room which she proclaimed was worse than a pig sty and impossible to live in..(i totally agree..but wth i survive) then ajourned to the refrigerator at olio dome to study...pretty productive i must say. but i honestly thought that my nails were going to turn blue and my feet and nose suffer from serious frost bite.

*burp* very full. green apple. wierd fruit. one slice of bread. hot chocolate. 4 otah and i feel immensely like a pig. *oink* then again, i do live in a pig sty. =)

one more to go then liberation and freedom. for awhile at least.

how can i be strong i've asked myself...time and time i've said..that i'll ever fall in love with you again..
i believe in miracles.

feel like i just committed suicide...the saddest part? i'm still alive. i imagine hearing a loud horn followed by the screeching of breaks then feel the impact of the crash as i am flung down to the ground...a blinding flash of light and then darkness enveloples me and i am at peace.

three down and two more to go.

all eyes are on her as the faint orange glow from the candles illuminate her face...leans so close she can feel the heat. scans the crowd for that one face she hopes to see but he is no where in sight. as the last strains of 'happy birthday' fade into silence, she breaks into a smile to hide the tears welling up the tears in her eyes, her laughter masks the pain that is searing through every inch of her. 'thank you so much' a faint quiver in her voice that one could easily have missed. "make a wish! make a wish!" closes her eyes and she sees the familiar brown eyes that are now increasingly foreign. that smile, as though he really cared. bites down hard on her lip to keep from crying out loud. makes a silent ardent wish...a deep breathe and the flames go out. the lights come back on and the show must go on...

all i really wanted was you
fuck. i absolutely hate crying
i have never despised anyone more. how much lower can you actually go?

thank everyone for all the lovely wishes..messages and phone calls.

thank you angelo
thank you julian
i really did feel like a princess.

exams tomorrow. i need nothing less than a miracle.

weep not for the memories
276...thats how many there were.
4 more hours. if i could have just one wish, it would be...for you
sorry cant say or else it wont come true..

do you know what toilet paper looks like when its wet? let me enlighten you. its soggy, flacid, falling apart and useless. well , thats my brain now...over saturation...its only use is to be flung against the wall..
6 hrs...not that i actually learnt much but my brain is fried. disfunctional.

waiting for dinner now. daddy went out to buy for me. *burp* but i'm full.

if you leave with me, men will hate us, the gods will curse us, but i will love you..
was very pleasantly awaken this morning by a long awaited phone call that came unexpectedly...every day should begin this way.

met edithdearest today. studied then went for mass...it seems that humans are most pious when they want or need something...sigh~ in many ways, i really despise myself cos it makes me no different from any other believer but right now, nothing short of a miracle can help me...

heads hurting...seems as though there are two kids jumping up and down in my head. *ouch* and everything is spinning...round and round and round.

they came over yesterday..had a blast...thanks for everything darlings...*muaks* love you all loads

my house 062404  more

of all the shots taken...somehow or other i just really like this one... 

happy birthday Ryan...love you

i wish and i pray...
woke up at an unearthly hour this morning but feeling immensely unaccomplished as obviously - i have yet to get anything substential done...restless and worried...Argh...she and her nonsense is really getting to me and i am uptight even when i've done nothing wrong i keep looking at my phone...waiting in fear that it might ring and to hear the dreaded voice at the other end of the line...i see her eyes ablaze with fury as she yells at me and flings everything out of the window...maybe thats like a little overboard..but then again...thats the extent of my fear..fuck..i wish i would just stop thinking...wating impatiently for my friends to arrive...hopefully then i can get my mind off things.

two unexpected phone calls leave me feeling happy yet sad...my sprits are lifted but simuiltaneously depressed...hoping everything turns out fine tomorrow. *fingers crossed*

bums still awfully aching from yesterdays cycling expedition...*major ouch* next time shall bring along a cushion for my rear end.

fuck i hate diaryland. the server is always overloaded. hell. and i am definitely not in a good mood. my arms are aching from peeling potatoes and fingers got burnt when shelling eggs and hand got scalded by water. *bares my teeth* definitely not in a good mood. i need a massage...

too chessed off...tired.
4 days to block test 2
i am officially screwed.
do come for my funeral...
i like black and deeppurple roses and bright pink geberas

in a simple hug all the hurt erased, all the akwardness dissolved, the silence broken.
i have never seen so many flashes of bright lights...close my eyes and i can still see them blinking in front of me...guess you oculd say it was a pretty interesting experience...maybe will post some pictures up when i get them...just maybe. if they turn out nice..if i like them. jaw aching from all the smiling..my body from holding akward positions...oh btw...i wore a DRESS! can you believe it? after forever..whahaha...a feat that isnt about to be repeated anytime soon...

happy birthday daddy...
it was a warm humid night and the night sky was so brightly illuminated that i think it was a deep shade of purple. could only spot three stars across the horizon. the breeze did little to quell the heat and we sat with our legs dangling precariously over the railings along the singapore river engaged in mindless chatter...mulling over life and savouring vodka and beer...and black and white MnMs...was really ticked by them...immensely cute...anyway, even though you guys always teasing and laughing at me...still love you all loads...thanks so much for the company this hols darlings! *muaks*>

stupid things that happened to me today>>>
*got a cup that had a hole and water leaked. puddle on the floor. wet book, paper, pencil case.
*tripped loads of times
*bangged into the trolley
*kicked the table and chair in succession
*knocked over the wastepaper basket
*almost fell off the chair
*got paper cut
*dropped the entire file on my leg

the list goes on........

swirls, pin stripes, white with black stripes, then checks, then blue strips, then red stripes....so many stripes that my heads in a whirl...honestly lost count of the number of shirts they tried and the number of minutes we spent leaning on the outside of the walls of the changing rooms....confession i peeked. *oops? naughty naughty...*laughs. met musa and yewteng today to do get our butts down to work...mei came along after we both had this hilarious lunch at billy bombers (a decision finally reached after MUCH deliberation and walking around aimlessly) where we had unknown object for lunch - meatloaf. silly girl kep bobbing her head to the music that was playing...tunes from the sixties and we were doing and talking about countless silly stuff and i felt awfully blonde laughing so hard my sides and tummy ached....loads...and i think she was crying.

oh back to studying...settled down at coffee club eventually for another session of laughs...a pretty futile work session if you ask me...struggling over sec3 maths admist trying to understand stats and ceaseless chatter and laughter...630pm brought freedom..tossing our books into our bags to hit the streets of town..supposed to look for daddy's present but when you're stuck with two vainpots set on getting clothes...dont bother...*nods*

was back at st nicks this morning...in many ways, its still one of my favourite places in the world. where i feel most comfortable and at home...the high ceiling of the canteen with its wooden benches and long tables...dearly missed.
anyway dear dont go think too much alright? not worth getting angry or pissed off...unhealthy..besides cant afford to let it get to you now and we have loads more important things on our agenda than selfish people okay? love you loads...

last day of work yesterday and i swear i could have killed them...5 boys, screaming and yelling and the top of their voices...their footsteps like that of an entire herd of elephants running around the shop while i was struggling to cope with the endless stream of customers who decided to All arrive at the same moment on the same day...whats with the human mind you wonder...

headed down to town to meet abby vivien wen and prisc...had dinner at billy bombers the diners pretty cool with its retro decor and sparkling red booths...their laughter and chatter a refreshing change for my aching ears and head. dinner took like eternity cos silly waiter delivered it to the WRONG table! idiots...seriously. but i was kept entertained my my ever amusing friends so i shan't complain...*laughs* took neos...

its becoming like a tradition or something...do it everytime we go out...but its like pretty nice to have a photo memory or each 'date'...

the day has seemingly passed pretty fruitfully in terms of work but futile where studying is concerned. sitting at the dark brown oak table upon the leather director's chair just somehow gives you a sense of professionalism...waiting impatiently for the phone to ring. fighting hard not to succum to weariness and let my eyelids fall...its getting harder to fall asleep...and the nights seem to drag on for eternity...the silence and the darkness just seem to envelope and i long for the first rays of sunlight accompanied with the faces and laughter of friends and family...

oh i learnt how to make yoghurt today, albiet making a mess out of the entire table...its fermenting in the yoghurt maker next to me...hope it turns out well..*fingers crossed*

at home the cold war rages on...laughter and idle chatter seem out of place in the room where the tension is almost tangible..so thick and dense that it si impossible even to slice through it with the gleaming blade of a carving knife. perhaps only the low voices from the television offer the only hints of life in the silence of the dismal household...the walls feel like they are caving in and its suffocating me. need to get out...cant breathe.

"...Let me tell you a secret, something they don't teach you in your temple. The Gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment may be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be more lovely than you are now. We will never be here again..."

today the silence was broken...i could have been speaking to a stranger
working can be pretty interesting i guess...and i believe i have done more history in the past 2 days than i would have slacking at home. sitting in the blistering cold office my fingernails are turning purple. my favourite colour! *beams* its been raining pretty much the entire day so its been relative quiet in here...can hear the water trickling down the pane and it just occured to me that i have never drawn the blinds to look out of the window. shall do that later...wells..feeling rather pathetic and helpless around here...the sound that characterises the office for now my my screams and shouts of 'daddy' whenever something goes wrong or whenever i am lost or stuck which is awfully awfully awfully often. yes yes i am pathetic...still "daddy's little girl" *pukes*

and i love you too...know that we'll always be here for you...thats our promise to you deargirl. keep smiling cos that beautiful grin is unique to you alone. time heals... and soon i wanna see you bounding around, laughing and screaming and yelling again. *hugs you tight*

head feels like there are two children jumping up and down inside it
got back from my first day at work pretty interesting. it was like being inside a fridge! edith came and kept me company. what a darling *beams* company much appreciated.
set foot into the streets of chinatown again this morning. the quaint colourful shophouses with their hosts of intricate merchandise triggered my memory..snapped out of fantasy land and back to the aroma of breakfast mingled with sharp piercing cigarette smoke *coughs and struggles to breathe* but had a good breakfast nonetheless with edith and lijie my two of my favouritedest people in the whole world! *smile*

massed with edith again followed it up with the walk to the bus stop...one which is turning fast into our sunday morning exercise...the sun beating down on us, and the wind in our faces..i quite enjoy it actually. *beams*
i keep remembering past incidents. like scenes from an uncut movie they flash before my eyes...swirling in my mind. i wish it would stop. i wish it would all go away. but these memories just hit you...like a sharp slap in the face and you cant do anything to stop them.

'as long as we love each other and remember the feeling of love we had we can die without ever going away. All the love we created is still there, all the memories you created are still there. you live on- in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here. Death ends a life, not a relationship...'
love never fades away...not with death...definitely not with time.

if you really loved someone would you go by the "all of or nothing" rule? or would you settle for whatever little bit you could have and continue to give every single inch of yourself? she just got me thinking...
went out for dinner at gusto's with mei and Z-E(like finally...been wanting to go there with somebody but never got the chance) the staff there were so nice and cute? like they gathered round and sang an immensely out of tune 'happy bithday' at the top of their voices with like big huge smiles and oh did i mention that they thought ZE was our mum? but oh well dinner was great fun...huge success...after oversleeping, forgetting my EZ-link, and squashing the cake and flower...everything was smooth sailing! *phew* +heaves a sigh of relief+ went shopping thereafter...mei bought a $57 Roxy shirt like how extravagant is that?? tsk tsk..*laughs* but i bought my wallet...*sheepish grin* but hey...i did settle for something cheaper alright??

i'd almost forgot how beautiful the beach is at night...add the sky to that...the moon was at its brightest and most complete bathing the ocean in her faint glow...was just passing through on our way home from wen's party..as always was mesmerised my the shimmering surface of the waters and the calm and quiet that night brought lest for the waves crashing against the soft sand on the shore...time to pay the beach a visit sometime soon...watch the darkness surrender to the morning light

feeling sick..of all times to fall ill it just has to be during the hols..sigh~ either way, time to get down to serious work...right now it just doesnt seem close to possible to complete my studying. i'm freaking out. help anyone?

was happily fiddling around with my photos and tada...the fruit of my labour. (",)

sushi, potato chips, my comfortable bed teddy bear and girl friends. how much more does a girl need? went for sakae buffet yesterday with edith and lijie. and the plates piled up around us. (especially me) felt like such piggies staring at the menu ahead of us and ordering loads of food that we fancied. i think my tummy like doubled in size...hopefully the shopping that ensued somehow helped to salvage the situation a little. (so proud of myself. didnt succumb to buying anything. *beams* beeg smile) then priscilla and abby came over today. slacking heaven. they laid sprawled on the floor as i lay contendedly in bed with my precious teddy bear...female bonding session!
met jules and xavier for dinner..though i could barely eat another bite after the load of junk at home earlier but as always i enjoyed their company nonetheless...their silly reamarks and jokes. and the silly soccer coin game hilarious!
love my friends *muaks*