i think i said too much yesterday...
maybe i should place a bit in my mouth like horses do.
perhaps then that tongue of mine will stop running wild.

the sister and i went crazy today.
blame's on
the bag
and
the unbrella

three more weeks
a death sentance hanging over my head
cant get the thought out
cant get them out
haunt me even in my sleep
it doesnt matter how fast or how far i run
cos they've got their hands tightly clamped round my heart

wonder what it was that made him fling himself in front of that speeding mass.
did someone hurt him?
did he just loose someone?
financial difficulty perhaps?
the last thought through his mind...was it of relief? or regret?
so many people just choosing the easy route
its selfish
each death takes a piece of many others with them
the lack of consideration for those who loved him
the lack of courage to face up to reality.
deep inside everyone,
there's the strength to stand up and go on.
you just have to reach deep enough.

i dont deny toying with the idea of death
but then there are just too many people i cant bear to leave
and for them,
i will try to make the best of what i can

no matter how your heart is weeping
if you just keep on believing
the dream that you wish
will come true..

the waves crash vehemently against the shore..proudly displaying their white caps for all to see…amidst the gnashing and grinding of teeth...a lone dinghy perched precariously at the tip of the storm..its mast flapping pathetically in the storm. A failing pair of arms, one last pathetic call for help..englufed and pushed forcefully underwater, burst to the surface gasping for breathe. Rocked pushed and bruised..tossed with the current, riding the waves, an unconscious mass floating atop the body of water.

Sarah McLachlan - I Will Remember You

I will remember you, will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by,
Weep not for the memories
Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad.
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me
I wanna be the one

I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much to deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard

I'm so afraid to love you
But more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
Once there was a darkness
Deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

weep not for the memories

writers block.
you know..one of those things and times when your brain is just stuck...a blank slate and you just sit staring blackly at the screen willing the words to come up but yet it just wont flow? something like water stuck behind a dam...all that stored up energy that is waiting to be let out.
conversely, i am actually feeling immensely drained from doing really nothing in particular. perhaps is just the mechanics of my brain busying itself with useless thoughts and fantasies that just seem so intent of being an integral part of my pathetic life...wish i could bury them deep into the ground, cover it up with tonnes and tonnes of soil and pour a whole truckload of cement over it to keep it lodged deep inside the earth.

the current object of my affection.
isnt he just so gorgeous?
wishing he were mine.

i solemly swear that we are mad.
but then you are right -
we have always been crazy

its been an astonishingly good day. unexpectedly
GP was like being among an entire flock of tiwttering birds.
for some reason or other the topic got to fairy tales and we spent the entire lesson retelling the age old classics we many of our own modifications and jumbles. huge confusions and failure to recall snippets from our childhood that got everyone squealing in laughter...hilarious.

ended school unbelivably early so made my way down to queensway with ben before meeting that little sister of mine for lunch at marche's then met mummy and lijie and abby were to join us later. girl's day out both the old and the young...*laughs* but its really nice knowing that at the end of the day, you know that they are there for you to fall back on. the laugh at your siliness and to listen to you rant and rave and gush and to hold your hand as you cry and tell you that it's alright. thanks dears...love you all so much

by the way..everyone has to watch Jackass - the movie both 1,2 and 3..(wait thats three..hahah)

today is the 22nd of july
just another day. really.

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.
"Pooh!" he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?"
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you."


Us Two
from
Now We Are Six

So wherever I am, there's always Pooh,
There's always Pooh and Me.
"What would I do?" I said to Pooh,
"If it wasn't for you," and Pooh said:
"True,
It isn't much fun for One, but Two
Can stick together," says Pooh, says he.
"That's how it is," says Pooh.

'theres no way you can ever know everything about someone...thats what keeps it interesting'
'..well it has been interesting.'
'at some point you'll jst have to trust the other person. thats what love is.'
 
declared today a holiday for myself so here i am rotting at home despite having promised myself that i'd get work done...abby's over and we're just both gradually turning into blocks of stone. meddling around with my new speakers...still very much in love with them and the thumping amazing base beat. *grins*
in quite a lot of pain..a dull ache in my right knee that simply wont go away. limping around like one of those disgusting old man in huge white singlets and faded black shorts...dragging their feet behind them and leering at anything with breasts?? okay so i am no particularly fond of old men...and stricken with that dreaded women's sickness which just serves to alleviate the pain i'm feeling throwing me into an even worse mood...*bleah* not happy.
 
divinity should be just about ending...
God i miss him.
fuck. i'm such a pathetic idiot.

a31...love them 

there just hasnt been much to say.
many thoughts swimming around in my head, never finding their way out
always caught at the tip of my tongue
the silence is deafening
 

the night should have been mine too...to be among their smiling faces floating across the stage, fluid movents in time with the music, in sync with each other. Strangely enough though, when the thought entered my mind, it was for a fleeting moment and with a flick of my hair was pushed away from my thoughts. guess it doesnt really matter anymore. perhaps its because i'm really happier where i am now in the company of the netballers sadly i think i still absolutely and totally suck and that damn knee of mine is as irritating as ever. *Bleahs*
 
xav was like really sweet to kel (she was really amazing on stage) ran up on stage to present her with this really beautiful boquet...his heart was still racing when he got back...silly boy..*laughs* and it just made me remember....
 

to the left and right trains sped past, flying across metal tracks in a blur of red and grey. people pushed and shoved as they rushed out through the open doors and clamoured up the escalators. admist the hustle and bustle, an enclave of peace, inpenetrable to the the flurry around. a bond broken now re-forged, a light relit. the wheels of time have to comtinue spinning. one last parting hug and say good bye as the doors snap shut and the train whisks off into the distance...watching the image slowly become nothing but a tiny speck.

dont try picking up the broken glass pieces...you'll only end up getting cut.

how can i not love you
what do i tell my heart
when do i not want you
here in my arms
how does one waltz away
from all of the memories
how do i not miss you
when you're gone


left school early today after 7 crazy continuous blocks of lessons and made my way down to united square to meet edith. school's becoming a dreary affair for various reasons. further reduced my tolerance and liking for it (not like it was very high to start with). not feeling particularly happy. gosh does that word even exist in my life? begining to seriously ponder. loads of work to catch up on. serves me right for wasting an entire year of my life away...hopefully now's not too late. wish me luck.

He's got you begging on your knees
Crying in your sleep
Making you believe him
But your stronger
Than you'll ever know girl
You control your own world
No need to take no more

me and edith darling. oh how i love her so 

sweetheart of a darling specially made her way over to my house today to help me organise my worksheets and pack up my room. an immensely tedious task that took almost the entire afternoon...sheets of paper sprawled across the floor - an alarming and head wrenching sight. definitely do not have the makings of a secetary. filing stuff is not and will never be my forte. as usual, bought like almost the entire pasar malam to my house...okay maybe its a bit of an exgeration, but after joshua's birthday and bayview hotel where i had more than my fill of sashimi and tom yam admist immensely boring chatter of my mum and aunties circling around me and that irritant of a niece crying in the background, i certainly couldnt eat another bite...and 8 otahs (which unfortunately sucked) and 2 packets of durain seemed way to much to stomach..

anyway, its official. i'm fat. immensely.

haven't had a second of peace since i got woke up...that woman's been yelling her head off and grumbling and nagging for god knows what reason...i dont have school in the morning! maybe she should get that into that thick skull of her head. and 3 days of school isn't a lot to miss...(i mean she really is sick) besides, if it were me, i learn nothing in school either so no lost.

its like being in this metal box with this big fat heavy lock and there are no cracks, no grooves for light to come in. you're just trapped inside that confined space, powerless.

no matter how far and how fast you run, its just right on your heels, right next to you. it will always come right back...

hee² realatively happy..saw 2 particualr somebodys who actually waved and said hello to me! wee~ can you see my feet floating above the ground and the ginormous grin that is spread across my face? *laughs* feel like the crazy little school girl that i once was...or one of those screaming girls in pig tails clicking their heels together and chasing after their long haired pretty boys...omg..gross how could i actually even think of that? eweee...

moments and laughter that we share are like a rare speices about to face extinction. thank you for keeping your promise....for just being there.

finally thought it time for a change.
its been long overdue
time to turn my back on the past and walk towards the future
her lips are quivering and she bites down hard on them willing it to stop. draws blood. angry clouds gather overhead as though getting ready for a battle. a brilliant flash of light and a loud roar. the rain beats mercilessly down and the her tears flow freely now...intermingled with those from heaven above.
there's no turning around.
no return.

sometimes i cant help but look at the faces all around me...the people with whom i've shared my joy and sorrows and given a part of myself...and sometimes i cant help but wonder how much do i really know about each and everyone of them...do they know me? do i even know myself at all?
*look into the mirror and see a stranger staring straight back at me.

it was just as i had expected. why arent i even in the least surprised? i would have been more so if it had turned out otherwise.

my beautifully henna-ed hand.  

4am in the morning and mrs tan is absolutely adorable 
rattled on about her purchases at the jewellery shop...miss her so absolutely much. together with everything else about st nicks...the familiar faces, that white blouse and blue pinafore, the absence of male speices, the spacious compound..but most of all, the warmth homely feeling and the pleasure of being in a place you know you love.

i actually did the family dance last night...that brings it to a total of 5 times if i'm not wrong...and i believe, thats just about gonna be the last time...the long forgetten movements surfaced from the depths of my brain as at 5 am in the morning, beneath the orange glow of the lights in the chapel, we danced to the medley of songs that my ears now miss but once detested to hear.

earlier on in the day..bean|xiaoxuan|edith|me|lijie 

i think i'm cursed with not being able to sleep it. was awaken at day break when the first rays of the sun crept and forced their way into my room...trying painfully to return to slumber when i heard the key click in the lock and the door swing open with a loud thud and i knew that all hope of catching twenty winks was over. i need to sleep in silence and their shouts around the house definitely did nothing to contribute to a condusive environment. not to mention the many reminders flung at me and the failed attempts at conversation as my dear parents oblivious to the fact that i was trying to sleep. too annoyed to reply. besides, in the event should i forget something, theres always the excuse that i was half asleep and did not know.

yes exams are over finally and thankfully...feel a weight lifted from my shoulders and drainage from my brain that has been immensely over saturated. evidence of my fight? blisters on my right hand and an aching arm - the result of an unbelivable amount of writing. i lost count of how much.

going back to St nicks now to help the little people
lijie and abby are coming over...the slacking heaven my house has been proclaimed. if only there was air con in the hall and a home theatre system.
later...