its been 7 whole hours since i've been awake.
apart from 3 math questions that i have attempted without knowing whether or not they are correct, i have accomplished nothing.
As start on thursday.
still grappling with the reality of that.
torn between wanting to do something about it
and wanting to give up altogether.
the intensity of 2 polarised emotions.

caught snippets of my girl this morning
they grew up together
spent the days in their world
she gave him everything she could
made life for him the best he could
but yet he failed even to wake to say goodbye
the snap of a rubberband and a push to the ground.
the tears that fell
the wound he cut straight through her heart.
and it reopened the floodgates that allowed the memories to flow
sometimes, no matter how hard you try to forget
no matter how deep you bury it
the truth will always resurface.
always
you can never run from who you really are

on a much much happier note,
might be going shopping later with my auntie
still reeling and itching from my shopping experience with abby lijie and vivien on friday..
love my girlfriends
coaxed them into the same little changing room with me and it was hilarious.
:)
should have seen the faces of the people outside as we trotted out in single file.
their looks of shock and surprise..
oh i love doing stuff my way.
screw what people think.

"i've come from a place that hurts
and god knows how i've cried"

i have just burnt a ginormous hole in my pocket.
just about big enough for me to stick my head through.
and mind you my head is pretty huge.
look carefully and you can still see the charred edges..
sigh...
time to confiscate my NETs and DEBIT card
and cast them aside somewhere i cant see and cant use them.
when i find something i really like..
my self restraint is zilch.
non-existent
thankfully, i doesnt happen very often.
but when it does,
i cant help myself
and i unfortunately always seem to have such expensive taste...

but right now i shant lament..
looking forward to sunday
so i can wear my new shirt and skirt.
pretty pretty
*laughs*

no one would know the depth of my sorrow

now that torture camp is over the house seems awfully awfully quiet.
the absence of their laughter and chatter
shrieks, stupid comments
the sound of pens across paper and the frantic turning of the pages.

for the past 2 days, been holed up in my pathetic room
pouring over history
tearing my air out over maths.
round the mahjong table with edith lijie and vivien darlings.
surprise visitor
abby dropped by toos..
immensely happy.
my favourite-dest people in the world all together
i could even take time away from cursing regan and the rest of the americans to smile.

a stolen moment up above
away from the prying eyes of the world.
i almost forgot how much fun we could have together.
wrestling and struggling
all tangled up in an indistinguishable heep.
like puppies at play.
frolicking in the grass
the sun smiling down on us from above..
sharing in out joy and bliss.
the laughter and joy
without a care in the world.
enjoying the company that the other brings
surprised you remember

went with the sister to rehab
(what a name for the physio center)
*laughs*
felt so retarded sitting at the itsy bitsy table meant for little children
doing work while waitng for her to come out.
relatively uninteresting day.
slept loads.
and i mean loads.

it was as though someone had just doused me in a whole bucket of icy cold water.
the chill crept through every inch of my body.
like a cold draft that suddenly decided to attack.
everything else in the dimly lit room appeared to have faded into oblivion.
a pair of bony fingers had found their way around my chest and hard
it was gripping me so tightly it was getting harder and harder to breathe.
time slowed to a crawl
beads of pespiration at the brow of my forehead despite the blast from the air conditioner.
instinctlvely, i duck and hid out of sight.
willing and wishing the tension and disappointment to evaporate into nothingness.

someday my prince will come...

this princess loves her little king

watched my first chinese movie today.
the darkness of the cinema was immensely welcoming
as was the silence due to the absence of people
it being a glorious thursday morning on a school day,
we were thankfully spared their hiideous chatter and ear splitting laughter.
so yupp pretty much had the entire place to myself
and i got to strech my long fat body across three entire seats...

sammi is so so so pretty!

but then thats about it larh huh??
*laughs*
drooling at her throughout the entire show..
wanted to cut the photo into half but i concluded that edith would kill me so i preserved her andy lau
anyways, that silly girl got mistaken by this ah pek as a china national
watching her try in vain to convince him otherwise left me in fits.
and of cos i couldnt afford to get involved in the little tussle
so i sat back and drank in the interesting conversation that began to unravel around me.

did work at bradell heights cc till we got chased out due to the unfortunate appearance of a ginormous bug that absolutely refused to leave me alone and turned me into a screaming and shrieking wreck. took to my heels and got out at the speed of light.

interesting morning...afternoon...

eagerly awaiting singapore idol
1 hr more.

when somebody loved me everything was beautiful,
every hour we spent together
lived within my heart

met abby lijie and viven today.
beams.
a much welcomed interlude from sin cos and tangent.
*opps but i think i have already been taking loads of those..but wth
yupp so walk walk walk around town
and yak yak yak
and eat eat eat.
i apologise.
the continual sapping of my brain juices has robbed me of the ability to write properly so i apologise my the immesely primary school standard with mrs tian would likely weep at reading before chortling me to my death.

i really wish it be so
with every inch of my heart
and i pray

finally got down to watching the final episode of friends
monday nights are never going to be the same without them.
somehow, watching each of them walk up towards the cabinet to place their keys on the table top just seemed so final.
so much like placing that last white rose into the coffin before they seal it.
morbid but true.
but then again, this is indeed the end
i think i did tear.
sighs
i'm turning into such a sentimental baby.
it would be lovely to have friendships like these.
a bond forged that will never be broken.

havent been able to find the words
afterall, how can a string of letters actually even begin to express all that is felt.
sometimes, silence is more than adequete.
only in the silence does one truely experience and feel.
in the void in the absence of words is filled instead with touch and comforting silence.
i long for it to be.
words are but the tip of the ice berg.
to reach deep within needs so much more.

after hours and hours in front of the computer and feasting my eyes and ears on naruto...drinking in the whole animae...i have finally reached the end of the mountain of discs. sad actually that i have approached the end but i guess its high time to return to the books. tear my eyes away from kakashi and jiraiya and everyone else and back to reagan and stalin and the dreaded cast. *antagonising*

3 weeks. the clock is turning.

There's always that one person
That will always have your heart
You'll never see it coming
Cause you're blinded from the start

singapore idol last night
suffered through 6 antagonising, unentertaining and ear splitting performances that made me wonder if we were right back at the audition rounds again with hideous renditins of unchained melody and lemon tree that left me in tears.
spirits were lifted a little, (only very little)
when oli started to sing.
but somehow, i simply couldnt bring myself to look at her.
1st thought running through my mind -
did i somehow switch the channel or go back in time to some 80s cabaret performance in some KTV lounge filled with leacherous tow kays with their fetish for gaudy shimmering gold and fluffy feathers?
2nd thought -
how many chickens did they pluck bald in order to obtain enough feathers for that grotesque thing round her neck?
then i realised, of cos they were all fake.
probably simply cotten...and dyed red.
but yet i could barely look.
ralph lauren shirt and jeans for me any day.
ken lim is a narrow minded bastard.
so much for the subtle hint.
'you need to change from the inside'
go bury your face in a bucket of shit and suffocate yourself.

Happy Birthday babyJulian...

last day of school yesterday.
felt nothing more than a sense of relief wash over me knowing that this was finally the end.
devoid of sadness and longing.
i fact, i think i was happy - to be able to get out.
sitting in the hall looking at the faces around me and the room itself, i felt like a stranger and a misfit. like a whale swimming among a herd of dolphins, sticking out like a sore thumb.
perhaps the only regret i have was that i never got to know them better. to never see past their eyes to what really lies inside. to open the door and touch a heart and hold on to that bond for awhile. its sad to think that once the last word on the final exam is written and the scripts are collected, we will all simply be filing out jubilantly to our separate lives and each one will simply become just faces in a photo frame.

camera flashes everywhere i turn my eyes, smiling till my jaws ached and posing till my feet cramped. toady has brought photo taking to a brand new level. its so like us to want to make permanent a memory and moment. to freeze it on a piece of high quality paper so as to be able to remember should we forget. what one fails to bring to mind though is that the most priceless memories are the ones in the heart and mind. all the emotions welling up inside you and the thoughts running through your head as well as the cacaphony around you - something that the shutter will never be able to capture. but then again, i am a typical pathetic human being. a sucker for all these shallow things, so i shall stick to posing and smiling and waiting for that flash of light.

sera loves her butler and thanks him for everything
he will be dearly missed.

class of 2003-2004..
A31

after like eternity, and forever and many disconnections later, finally managed to upload the rest of the photos.
go ahead and take a look.
*warning: and extremely egotistical log. my face appears countless times.

my two precious darlings whom i share my bed with...=)

and of cos theres the rest of the family...(or at least, part of it)

i've been rotting.
like a discarded slab of raw meat slowly disintegrating away.
did nothing again today.
i'm practically walking the path to suicide.
exams in 25 fucking days
and i've barely done shit.
fucks
i'm sorry please excuse the language.
lifes been a bitch

too many things have been happening too quickly
and the roller coaster just seems to be picking up speed
increasing in the number of loops.
sky rocketing one second
plunging to death the next.
i hate amusement park rides.
they always leave me nauseaous and awful once i get off.
thats why i always steer clear.
but right now i'm stapped into the seat -
i heard the loud click of the metal lock
and no matter how hard i stuggle
i'm not about to be able to get off.

i love edithdarling
thank you darling for the huge stacks of papers...for the tasty, deliriously sour suan mei and for dragging your lazy bum out of the house to keep me company and for all the help you have given me and for listening to my incessant whining. i am forever indebted to you so yes i will be your chauffer when i pass my driving lisence and drive you around in your auntie mobile okay? i provide services, you provide the vehicle. *laughs*

behind her heavy oakwood doors she can still hear the laughter and the chatter from below crawling in through the the gaps of the walls. the shuffle of feet across the floor boards, the clinking of wine glasses an intrusion of her silent reverie. sitting at her dresser she stares into the mirror only to see a stranger looking back at her. dark curls piled high above her head, the colour of her brown eyes. the faintest hint of blush and clear white gloss over her full crimson lips. the image of elegance and beauty before her eyes in no way reflected the hollowing emptiness and sadness wrenched deep within her soul. the deep rumbling chime of the grandfather's clock. it was time. sighing, she clasped the locket around her neck and stood up. feeling the soft satin brush against her legs with each uncertain step. hands trembling, she grasped the banisters and slowly made her descent down the marble stairs scanning the crowd for that one face she knew she would not see.

get to see oli and hear her sing in slightly over an hour...waiting in eager anticipation...she's so cute right? laughs...like so wanna pinch her cheeks kind. hahhaa..is she straight?? hmmms...*scratches head*

today was an absolutely wasted day.
my brain has decided to turn itself off and become permanently defunct.
anyway,
have decided that i am prejudiced.
agaisnt the lesser people.
who are rowdy
disgusting
loud
uncooth
and immensely stupid.
if i had a gun, i would kill them all.
starting from the bunch that were there at amk library
right till i eliminate each and every single one of those little insignificant people.
then the world would be way more refined and sophiscated.
*nods*
okay so i am obviously not in a good mood.

always trust your intuition.
it is rarely wrong.
especially with regards to certain matters.

i love my butler

you gave me wings and made me fly
was introduced to a brand new sight
atop a deserted grass plain.
all it has done is to whet my appitite for more.

for someone i am praying so fervently..that everything will be alright.
it hurts me.

gave up trying to do anywork ages ago and decided to park myself here in front of the computer,
fingers flying across the keyboard.
feeling oddly ill at ease.
a nagging feeling that wont leave me alone.
unexplainable uneasiness
worisome, unsettling
just wierd and wrong
immensely in fact.
*fuck*

paid dearly for my indulgence last night.
lesson learnt:
do no attempt to have tom yam soup
then have ice chocolate or any other milky substance
in fact just simply do not drink too much of it.
even if it doesnt sting your tastebuds,
it burns a hidious hole in your stomach.

deliberating on whether or not i should go to school later.
hopefully my butler will be able to make the trip.
otherwise
my purple cotton sheets and teddy bears undoubtedly seem much more welcoming.

yoanna
i think she is absolutely gorgeous.
34hrs before i see her again.
and she's my motivation.
did you know she used to be fat?

sunday. the end of another week
and now that makes 5 more
the sand is swiftly falling
tiny granules flowing like a river...
the clock is ticking
and so is my heart and mind
in the race against time.

today i mourn the loss of sexy
who has served me faithfully for the last 2 months.
home to my keys, mascara, lip gloss,and precious ez-link
each and every single one of you will be dearly miss.
i'll miss the jingle of metal in my bag, the sweet scent of bubble gum
the flash of blue and the characteristic beep you make.
and of cos i'll miss sexy, sequins falling out and all,
you were lovely.