its so like me to want to keep on deluding myself...its like if i keep on not seeing and pretending that it is not there, it will just simply all go away. if i pray hard enough, what i want will come true. nothing is impossible for god.
but then i've often asked myself this: if god recieves two conflicting requests over the same issue then who's prayer is answered? the one who is more sincere? or the more sensible one? but then how does he decided when both want something so feverently? reminds me of a scene from bruce almighty when he simply answered 'yes' to all the e-mailed requests that he received and chaos ensued.
do you believe that your life has already been charted and planned out for you? if that is the case, is there really no way to change the way things are? is it true that no matter how hard i try, how much i do, i will never be able to change the outcome of this?
"wo zhi dao. wo quan dou zhi dao" but the words sounded so hollow coming out from me. you drove home the reality of everything that i had turned my back on. believed that if i just ignored it, push it aside, it would not come back. but it never did leave. it was there lurking in the shadows...waiting.

i hate myself for my selfishness and helplessness sometimes.
the world mourns the lost of the tsunami victims but here i am musing over what might be. all that has yet to happen.
how absolutely riduculous for me to be worrying about something that has yet to take place. worse still..above all i am drifting through this phase of contentment. begining to feel a little more satisfied with my current life status and here i am worrying about come what may. i deserve to be flung down from the highest beam of the highest tower.

on impluse i feel like getting on a plane to india or indonesia and get my fat lazy ass over there and just do something. anything. to redeem this worthless existence of mine. to join the red cross in giving out supplies and providing aid.
but i know i wont. i would simply just balk at the sight of dead bodies, retch at the stench and faint from the lack of proper sanitation and bedding and food.

i am a fucked up selfish bitch.
someone should kill me

get out and stay out.
stop poking your nose into places where it is not welcomed
keep your prying eyes closed and to yourself.
quit your intrusion into my life and the lives of my friends.
you are not even remotely wanted.

you were given the gift of words.
time and time again you have used them to hurt.
malicious, cold, cruel.
i despise you for that.
stop placing youself atop a pedestal
demanding from and judging those around you
to bow to your every whim and fancy.
we do no have to obey.

double standards
you are not everything you say you are
the angel you believe yourself to be.

neither am i.
i never said i was.

i'm getting paid $5/h!!!
*screams in indignation.
this is exploitation.
to think that i turned down a $6/h job that simply required me to count money.
fucks
i feel bloody cheated.
and stupid MOE hasnt called be yet.
i'm actually begining to doubt the successful status of my application.
blehhs.
fuck

those were such happy times...and not so long ago...how i wonder where they've gone

a moment of silence for all those lost in mother nature's vicious show of might.

a moment of silence for those who have loved and lost in this tragedy.

a wish that the rest of the world will hear their cry for help.

met bean edith lijie and yunzi yesterday for christmas dinner
plans for fish and co fell through and we ended up at KFC instead
a little pathetic..
but as someone told me, with whom i completely agree..
the place is of secondary importance
its the company you are with.
and the company indeed i did enjoy.
(:
havent seen everyone for ages and all look so 'working class'
yun esp...
pin strip black pants and shirt...so professional.
me? i could never achieve that look.
*laughs*
lijie says i look like a suductive secetary
whatevers
*rolls eyes*
but oh well had a good dinner.
cant remember when was the last time i ate so much.
am so going to pay for this.
can feel my tummy growing already!
and edith brought really really old photographs from long ago..
brought a smile back to my face at the pleasant memories of the past era
some of them never meant to see the light of day...
i mean NEVER
she's trying to bribe us with them..
bleh.
look amazingly young then.
kinda hard to believe how much we have aged in these past years.
might post some of them up..
just maybe. if the scanner allows.

well as lijie very aptly put it..
i was out with a "certain somebody" the other day
no i am not glowing
and yes my feet are firmly back on the ground
*smirks*

two different people
two different worlds
brought together by a stroke of fate
perhaps the god's were feeling naughty that night.
from the balcony that overlooked the sea
tall stately towers in the near distance
came laughter and smiles.


stop making my little boy cry.
you evil creature

by the way, she forgot.
AGAIN

MErRY ChrIStMAs

but then again, i cant help but wonder...is it really christmas at all??

i cant remember ever wanting anything more.
i begged and pleaded and begged and pleaded
but all i got was a resounding no.
silence.
no explaination.
i cant remember how long i have been waiting for that day to happen
but when it finally did,
i couldnt.
anger
irritation
disappointment.
its so unfair.

family's over and playing mahjong.
the sounds of my mother's shrill crys
the clicking of tiles echo through the house.
feeling immensely domesticated.
vacumed the floor
folded clothes
and cooked this morning.
can you believe it?
me sera doing all this??
hahah
arent you all just so proud and so amazed
see i am not such a good for nothing afterall
*beams

feel as though i am spending my entire life sitting atop a swing
soaring above into the sky one minute
so close that if i reach out far enough
i can reach the bales of cotten just up ahead
the sun is shining down on me
and i squint under is awsome light
a smile plays at the corner of my lips.
but just as quickly as i have ascended
i start plummetting downward again
heart dropping plunge as i fall right back down.
but the simple mindedness and weakness of me
just that one little thrust
that small effortless action
and up i go again
legs swinging above the ground.
i grip the metal chains so hard
because i am afraid to fall
crashing down to earth falling flat in the rough sand
but i'm tired of all the swinging.
giddy and nauseous.
perhaps its time to let go
i never did like swings much anyway.

flashing lights
musky odour of cologne and perfume mixed with pespiration and smoke
shout to be heard over the loud beats blarring from the speakers overhead
ringing in my ears that wont go away.
pushed shoved and bumped into
barely an inch to move
a can of sausages compressed together and vacumed packed.

guess it wasnt all together that bad.
an interesting experience but not one that i would like to repeat.
did enjoy watching jeremery and sumiko shake their asses off.
he can so dance and that girl is one hot chick..
duely entertained.
thanks to steph and em for the introduction the the world of coloured lights and loud music.
and my knight in glowing armour who was very gallantly looking out for me.
greatly appreciated.
yewteng toos...though i cant believe that dear boy actually went clubbing with his leg still in a brace...tsk tsk.

before the night ended it brought me one more glorious gift
one that saw me falling asleep with a smile on my face

as you get more and more new toys and get increasinly fascinated with the interesting discoveries around you
eveything else just simply gets tossed aside
discarded into a heap at the corner to make way for the new
even your favourite stuffed animal that you once could never do without.
you stop and think
but only for a fleeting moment
because soon some other exciting thing catches your attention
and like a flash of lighting it is gone
instantaneously forgotten
never leaving so much as a mark.

i didnt forget you
but do you remember me?

sobs wrecked through my body and the tears just simply kept falling
i sat there crying
couldnt stop
couldnt make myself stop
each and every single inch of me is hurting
because even after everything
there is still nothing

the blasts of cool air from an air con perpetually turned on
the alien language embraces me roughly
pulling me deeper and deeper into its intricate web
yet never fully able to comprehend.
giant billboards and the flickering neon lights of the signboards scream their greetings at you
colour like blush appiled too heavy on a lady's cheek
the streets a delicate maze, vines interceting and intertwining along the sprawling grounds.
old ladies hobble along the rails of endless flights of stairs
while the young hurry along in a frenzy
all bunched up tightly and and wrapped up carefully behind thick colourful layers
adding to the mass and bulk of the overflowing streets.
night decends as the lights come up
illuminating the skyline
majestically tall and stately buildings lined up like a row of christmas trees their coloured lights chasing the tails of each other.
a picture too beautiful for words.
on the other end of the scale
the makeshift stalls that line the streets
wooden tables and canvas sheets
flapping pathetically in the wind
a world of its own
host to a myraid of different produce
fake prada's, t-shirts and bags to an entire multitude of gadgets
a tireless walk
jolsting and bumping
squeezing and squirming through the narrow walkway
storekeepers on either side
roaring at the top of their lungs
pathetic attempts at the english language
practiced polished smiles
a facade for the calculative shrewd businessmen.

just got back from hong kong yesterday and it is gloriously gloriously wonderful to be back home again. you have no idea how much i missed this place. you dont miss the water till the well runs dry
how true and how apt. only far away from home and deprived of all its wonderful advantages (drinkable tap water and supermarkets are god sent. so are the comprehensive public transport service) do i finally appreciate all that it is.

the trip wasnt all that bad larh...just walked walked and walked about alot...thanks to edith sweetheart, been into more CD shops these past 5 days than i have in the entire year...(: didn't really buy much stuff though...everything just kinda pretty to look at when it is all together...maybe its just that i have expensive taste..haha...or then again, maybe it is just that its winter and things are just simply not suitable.

accquisitions:
cinderella DVD
cinderella photoalbum
pink ballerina thingy (all for thesister)
desert eagle
roxy sling bag
white top
leather wallet

God I MISS home!!
standing in the middle of the Hong Kong MTR station and blogging
can you believe it? how utterly embarassing but thats how much i miss my computer and home.
whoever said that Hong KOng was a shoppers paradise is LIAR
havent exactly found anything suited to my taste...
blehhs...
this is annoying
i miss everyone and everything so much...
bored..
and today has been such a fright.
met this crazy bitch in the morning who is just so freaking annoying
and we had to be stuck with her like almost the entire day cos she decided that she just had to stay close to us??
like what an IDIOT...
blehhs..
but then there was just this totally adorable gorgeous and cute little boy whom i am now totally in love with
*Beams*
so ke ai
i am sounding phidophelic....
hahaha...
well the weather is like the only thing thats lovely
cool air blasting in your face around every corner..
hopefully by the end of this trip i will have nice legs and lost weight
considering the amount of steps we have been climbing
and the number of streets we have walked
and also that i am eating immensely little cos everything is freaking Saltly
like salt no need money one like that larh
blehh..
*sticks tongue out*
well my legs are aching from standing up
and its embarrassing
shall stop whining and come up with a more coherent post when i get back...

HOMESICK!!

sleep eludes me despite the trobbing pain in my head
and the dull ache that simply refuses to go away

i stand atop the highest tower
and look on down towards the grown.
see people nothing more than mere tiny ants scuttering and scurrying around
the tops of cars on the expressway like multi coloured match stick boxes inching their way forward on the intersecting vines of concrete.
earth
nothing more that a mere stopover in ones transcient life.
in the distance the clock chimes
each ring clear and resounding
the wind rustles my hair and my skirt billows in the wind.
it is a perfect day
the sun partially hidden behind sparse white clouds
the sky a brilliant blue.
the 12th chime..
i take a deep breath
close my eyes
and jump.

each tear drop a stab straight to my heart
each uttered cry a cut across my flesh.

so torn in between.

"..you can hurt me with the sharp end
of what you say.."
words like stinging nettles
prick my skin and draw fresh blood
the colour of my pain.
trickle slowly down against honey coloured skin.
but the wounds unseen
is that which hurts the most.
the invisible sword that pierced straight through my heart
shattering
a million pieces like a broken mirror
that no glue on earth will mend.
tears
but only a faint indication of the depth of my sorrow.

too many have been bound gagged and cut by a string of alphabets
stop using the beautiful gift given to hurt
spite and malice will bring you no where
in the end
the one who is empty
is nobody but yourself.

dry away your tears
there is always sunshine after the rain.

decided to change my layout
no reason in particular
just something to do while i kill time and work and take a break from never ending D/Os and invoices...
also..
smiling happy faces clashes with my present angsty mood
i'm somewhere at the bottom of the pit and i feel like sitting here and rotting for a little while.
embraced by the darkness
listening to the deafening silence of soliditude
indulge in self pity
it isnt all that bad sometimes.

before the scars have had time to fully heal
old wounds have been forcefully ripped open
new ones cut even deeper
no inch unscathed.
excruciating pain
surging through every cell in my being.
there are no more tears left
because
there simply is nothing left for me to cry for
regret anger and sorrow.
i refuse to let you overcome me.
think happy thoughts and soar high into the sky.
feel the wind take you up
among the clouds
above the ground
free.
and when i am spent
to come back down to earth
lie atop lucious green grass
admire the flowers with their fluttering butterflies
watch the sun set as it bathes the earth in hues of red and orange.

i refuse to be clasp in your chains
to be caged in like a hamster running aimlessly on the wheel
i will not be tied down and sliced apart by all the words that pierce so
i am much stronger than that

i think i will wake up in the middle of the night uttering these words
"hi can you put me to you accounts department please?"
i have lost track of how many times i have repeated those blasted words.
throat is dry
lips cracked cos the air is so dry
nails purple cos stupid me did not think of bringing a jacket
and my fingers are aching from punching and dailing numbers.
i swear my degree just rose by a few hundred
thanks to the fact that i have been staring at the blasted computer screen since 9 this morning..
my eyes hurt.
and so does my head.
okay fine.
so i am whining
*arghs*
hell.
1 hour and 25 mins
i am impatiently counting down.

the room was dimly lit by the flickering light of the television
the silent words that flashed across the screen spoke volumes
uninhibited
unrestrained
tears fell like rains.
overwhlemed with emotions
the reality of goodbye
the sweetness of the memories that linger
like the sweet aftertaste of chocolate that remains in your mouth.

adeline beth emileen pheobe yingshi huixian and the rest of the juniors
thank you for a wonderful evening
you all are the best juniors one can have
*smiles*
ade char siting steph sadaf peg yanfang xiaohui
all of you have been lovely.
without doubt i will miss each and every single one of you.
inscriptions on rocks that even with time will not fade away.